so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
