happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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