Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
