I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
