i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
