The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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