You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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