he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
where does the pee come out of this thing
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
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So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
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Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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