I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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