I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
