Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
