yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
