I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
