Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's rum buckets o'clock
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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