I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
