i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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