Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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