I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
