The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
