I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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