You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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