I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
