my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
