i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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