If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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