Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
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What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
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You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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