He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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