Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She's the barista slut.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
