i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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