Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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