DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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