you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
