I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
