Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
