i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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