New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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