Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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