i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
