it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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