He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
