when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
