His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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