I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death