You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
