why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
