Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
