I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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