when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
