I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I wish there were birth control emojis
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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