my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
