is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I will pee on everything he values.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
