Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He felt like a one man threesome
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
