Bisexual people are plain selfish.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
