After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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